What's Missing When Husbands Talk with Wives?
First presented in a public seminar at the Aesthetic Realism Foundation, New York City.

I've seen that the education of Aesthetic Realism can enable marriage to be the romantic, kind thing men and women so much hope for.

Something people are desperate for in marriage, and also despair about, is that they will be able to talk to each other deeply—have exciting, honest conversations. And despite what is said today in self-help books and magazines—that differently from women, men inherently don't like to talk—every man wants to be able to speak with his wife in a way that has a strengthening, good effect on both of them.

Aesthetic Realism explains that we all have two desires. Our deepest desire is to respect the world and like it, to see meaning and value in people and things. The other desire is to have contempt, to look down on other people and see the world itself as an inferior mess.

The biggest thing missing as a husband talks with his wife is the hope that he and his wife each respect people and like the world more as a result of their conversation. Instead, through a husband's sad tone, a complaint about the neighbors, or a sarcastic remark to his wife, the world is liked less, is seen as dreary and inimical. Eli Siegel explained so kindly and resoundingly in his lecture "Aesthetic Realism and Love":

Aesthetic Realism says that no one can be successfully in love until that person wants to love the world....The reason happiness in marriage is such a rare item is that people have tried to love in a way that would mean less of a like for the world—in fact, a contempt for it.

There is no greater need for the husbands of America than to learn from Aesthetic Realism what it means to like the world and how contempt works in us. I am a happily married man of 12 years who knows this really frees a man, enables him to be kind and passionate in his marriage—and like the way he talks with his wife.

Article Sections
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5