What's Missing When Husbands Talk with Wives?

Every Time We Talk, We Give a Message about the World

I learned that in every conversation—in our tone, our words, the look on our face—we are either saying that the world, with its complexity, is something to care for and have a vigorous interest in, or it's a disappointing place that won't come through for you. There is a drama about this in domestic life—messages that husbands and wives give each other every moment about the world.

I learned about this through an ordinary incident that occurred when I was married for one year—as I am very proud to be—to Meryl Nietsch-Cooperman. It means so much to me to be married to Meryl, to be living with and knowing this thoughtful, beautiful, energetic woman whose perceptions about things I need to be more myself.

One night I said I would make dinner and I was looking forward to doing it. Yet as things didn't go the way I planned—the spaghetti took longer than expected and none of the dishes were coming out at the same time—I got increasingly annoyed. I started complaining to Meryl about one thing after another, and though at first she tried to have me see this wasn't such a terrible thing, I was determined, and right in our kitchen I was in a battle with the world—with time, spaghetti sauce, pots and pans. I could see that Meryl felt bad, and I didn't like myself.

When a husband complains it is mean, because he is really saying to his wife, "This world is no good—don't like it. I want you to join me in feeling this—and also to feel sorry for me."

"Do you think," Ellen Reiss once asked me in an Aesthetic Realism class, "you want to use Meryl for consolation?" I had. Miss Reiss asked, "Do you think two people can add to each other's weakness in a fashion?" "Yes," I said, and while regretful of how I had been, I was thrilled to see the logic of this and be able to change!

Asking another person, in various ways, to be in a team with you against the world saps the life out of marriage and poisons any conversation. I have seen a husband will either make for a hearty, encouraging atmosphere or he will undermine the best thing in his wife and himself. I feel so lucky to be able to learn about this and be a true friend to Meryl, which I want very much to be.

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