What's Missing When Husbands Talk with Wives?

What's Missing?—the Desire to Know

I learned that a wife comes from and represents the world. And if a husband doesn't want to know the world and be interested in things, he won't want to know his wife, or won't be able to talk to her in a way that satisfies either of them. The pain this makes for Eli Siegel describes in his lecture "Mind and Husbands" when he says:

Husbands think that once they have seemed to capture a woman, that is all. Then the woman broods. She asks herself, 'What did I get into? Things go on in me, and he thinks the reason I have these thoughts is I'm a weaker vessel, I'm frailer, I'm not as tough as he is. And if I say something strange, he'll say, 'Oh, sleep it off, darling. It will be all right in the morning.' That kind of stuff has insulted women for centuries. And Aesthetic Realism tells husbands, Cut it out.

I am going to discuss passages from two contemporary books about communication in marriage, the first of which is titled How to Talk to Your Wife by Patti McDermott who is a "couples therapist." This book has the common approach of today—that men and women talk differently because of inherent "gender differences" and if we can negotiate those differences romance and conversations will flourish.

People will buy books like these because they are desperate, but this author unfortunately accentuates the differences between men and women, which Aesthetic Realism disagrees with. It shows that men and women are more alike than different; we both have the same two essential desires—to like the world and to have contempt for it—and these are at the heart of every conversation between a husband and wife.

Near the beginning of the book, men are told that:

Women are...the relationship builders, the nesters. So your wife probably feels that it's up to her to create and maintain a close relationship....Since your wife talks as a way to connect with you, the content of your conversation isn't as important to her as its emotional temperature... she'd like you to listen and maybe to pipe in with a similar experience. This is how she feels understood and accepted.

This is untrue and also patronizing of both men and women. I learned from Aesthetic Realism that the content of a conversation is crucial. As we talk about people, co-workers, money, our families, what people in America are enduring economically, is it in behalf of respect or contempt? I have seen that the strength and happiness of marriage has always depended on that, because we can only love and feel truly warm towards a person who we feel is trying to be fair to things.

And to advise men to "pipe in with a similar experience" is to make puny and thin the bedrock hope in a man to meet his wife deeply, to talk with her sincerely and to learn from her because he wants the world she stands for to make him more who he is, and he wants to do the same for her. In The Right of Aesthetic Realism to Be Known Mr. Siegel explains so movingly:

We want to hear words from a person enabling us to see ourselves and everything better, and we want to say such words to another. This justice with words, this meeting of honest words, Aesthetic Realism shows, is at the very center of love. It is kindness.

I feel so fortunate to try and have that purpose with Meryl. Living with her, learning how Meryl sees things—the American west, the ocean off Long Island, the questions of women, music, her family—and also her straightforward, often humorous criticism of me, has made me a better man, and I love her. And I am so grateful for the education we are receiving in Aesthetic Realism classes taught by Ellen Reiss about art, the self, what working people in this country feel. Aesthetic Realism enables a person's mind to grow and be wide, and makes for the rich conversations between a husband and wife they hope for.

Patti McDermott tells how married men often feel they need "some space," and she gives this example, so representative:

Let's say you come home from work...and you want to settle in with a drink or watching the news. Your wife comes home about the same time and asks about your day. You say "Fine" and she starts [talking] about...[her sister and] how much work she left at the office undone. You start tuning out. Your eye drifts to the TV. You say, "Tonight's the last game of the play-offs." Before you know it, your wife is throwing her hands up in the air saying "You never listen to me."

Much could be asked about this particular conversation, but it brings up something Aesthetic Realism explains—there is that in every man that wants to care only for himself, and feels that to listen to his wife will take away from what Mr. Siegel once referred to as "the central firm."

In an Aesthetic Realism class some years ago when, as I was talking about a woman I was seeing, it was clear I was uncomfortable that she affected me. Miss Reiss asked: "As you show care for something not yourself, does something in you call 'Come home, come home'—the ego Lorelei?" I said "Yes," and Miss Reiss asked, "So what is the answer?" I love the logic of what she said next:

This is personal, it is cultural. It is the central question in everyone's life—if one loves truly something not oneself, is one loving oneself truly? Aesthetic Realism shows it is the most selfish thing one can do. The reason you show true care for yourself by caring for what is not yourself is because the main purpose of every human being is to like the world.

Patti McDermott offers a different solution for husbands. She says:

If your wife tends to talk more than you're comfortable with, set a time limit. Say "I'd love to listen to your feelings about your sister. I'm good for about fifteen minutes... before the game."

That time limit is a solution that really is awful because it lets the cheap thing in a man win. It's a horrible compromise—"I'll give you a little piece of me, but not my whole self trying to understand you." That state of mind always makes a man ashamed, and to encourage it is cruel. What husbands really want to be able to do is in these beautiful sentences of Eli Siegel from "Aesthetic Realism Looks at Things: Communication"—"When two people marry, what they really are saying is that they agree to try to understand each other.... The understanding of another person is a lifetime job."

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