What's Missing When Husbands Talk with Wives?

A Wife Wants Good Will in Conversations

I learned that what a wife wants most from her husband is good will, and not the soft thing people often associate with that term. Good will is, Mr. Siegel said:

The oneness of kindness and criticism in a person's mind. Good will is benevolence, yes; but it is also exactness. Good will is hopefulness; but it is likewise the desire to see precisely.

Another book, Communication Miracles in Marriage, by Jonathon Robinson, shows the mix up people are in about those opposites, kindness and criticism. Robinson, a psychotherapist, would essentially have husbands and wives speak to each other in soothing, insincere tones and avoid or put layers of gauze around any real criticism.

Throughout, Robinson refers to what he calls "blame" as the chief thing not to do when talking to your spouse. I believe he has been affected by Aesthetic Realism's revolutionary explanation of contempt and has lifted and twisted this idea to make it seem like his own. When we "blame" our spouse, he says, "We mistakenly think that bringing our partner down will...make us rise."

To combat this tendency, Robinson says we must give our spouse lots of appreciation and acceptance, which means "you love your partner just as [s]he is." He says that there is just the right phrase that will automatically "charm your partner's heart," and that a husband should find that phrase and repeat it to his wife often in a gentle voice, such as "Honey, I really love you" or "I'm crazy about you." Of course a husband should express his honest care for his wife and not be grudging about it. But what a wife most deeply wants, and a husband too, is to be seen truly, and that includes criticism of where we could be better.

Robinson says when a husband does offer a criticism to his wife, he needs to do verbally what a surgeon does: gently prepare the patient (with praise), give an anesthetic to dull the pain, and then help the patient recover. One of the main techniques is to take responsibility for the problem yourself—don't say directly that your wife is doing something wrong, say it's you who are having the problem. Here is an example that puts all the steps together. Robinson says:

Daniel came to me because...[his wife] Anne, was always late for everything. I coached him to say something like: "Honey, I really appreciate how you are such a good cook. I feel really grateful when you take the time to make me a nice dinner like last night. You're a very giving person. So our connection can deepen even more, I'd like to talk to you about something that has been bothering me lately. I think if you and I can talk through this problem I'm having, we could have even more fun...I've noticed I feel hurt and fearful when we arrive late to things together. Perhaps I feel insecure about what others will think, but whatever the reason it really makes me feel bad. I need your help....How do you think we could do things differently?"

This is not honest, and the kid gloves here have ill will. For the man to say that it's a problem he's having is fake, and I think a wife would know it in two seconds. Never does he say, "Dear, I see a way in which you are being unfair—as to time—and I think you don't like yourself for it. So let's talk, because I want you to respect yourself." That is love from a husband.

I am very proud to teach other men what I am learning from Aesthetic Realism about the world, people, and about love. In consultations, we have asked men questions such as:

• As you talk to your wife, do you hope to care more for her, to learn from her, or do you hope to care for her less?
• Do you like to lecture your wife, or to talk in such a way that you both see new things?
• How are your conversations about other people—your family, for instance—are you trying to respect people as you talk about them?
• You and your wife can ask right in the midst of a conversation, "Is this having us like the world—how?"

One of the wildest things in Jonathon Robinson's book is an idea for not talking at all. In the chapter "How to Never Argue Again" he recommends the "Spoon Tune" technique:

At the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in the spoon position...one person's front side hugging the other person's back side....Next, while in spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate....Don't say anything....No matter how upset you are at the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down....If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that's not possible spoon standing up.

This is so outrageous, it's funny; it is also tragic that this is put forth as a guide for couples to avoid an argument. No amount of simultaneous breathing can have two people feel really close to each other. Only when a husband and wife together are trying to like the world will they feel truly close, and have the richness and happiness in their marriage they're hoping for. This is one great reason Aesthetic Realism must be known.

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