Flattery or Criticism: Which Do Men Truly Want?

Love Is Criticism

If you asked me years ago whether criticism and love had anything in common I would have said "No way." I thought criticism was the opposite of love.

To me, love was having a woman in a tizzy about me, and treating me like the prince I was sure that destiny meant for me to be. The problem was no woman would go along with that scenario, and like many men, I had a lot of trouble in love.

Through Aesthetic Realism, I wanted to learn about my motives with women so I could be proud of my purpose in love. In one class, I was speaking about difficulty I was having in love, and Class Chairman Ellen Reiss asked:

Ellen Reiss.  Do you want a woman to be as good as she can be or to serve you in some way? Serving is praise. Do you think a woman would feel you're more interested in her serving you or you making her stronger?

When I answered vaguely, "A woman would have to worry about that," Miss Reiss said:

Ellen Reiss.  You're teasing now. Do you think to have a woman worry about you is a form of praising you? Are you "You'll-never-be-sure-of-me" Cooperman?

Yes, I was! I tried to have a woman unsure and then took it as flattery that she was in a stir about me. It made me ashamed, and discussions like this enabled me to change.

Flattery and criticism, I learned, are related to opposites that confuse people very much in love: how to be both for and against someone. Good will, Aesthetic Realism teaches, puts these together. It is, Mr. Siegel writes, "a true mingling of kindness and exactness or severity." And he says:

The first thing...in our attitude towards someone we care for is that our criticism go for the same purpose as our encouragement. What usually happens is that when we criticize a person we are taken to be a different person from the time when we praise...Criticism and love can be one—if when we encourage what is good, we have the same purpose as in discouraging what is bad.

When I began to see Meryl Nietsch, the woman who is now my wife, I was very taken by how beautiful she was and also the way she was a serious student in classes we attended. Meryl made it clear that she wanted my criticism of how she saw things, and she was a critic of me, too. The more we talked, the more I felt I needed her to be myself.

At the time, in my work as an actor I was preparing to play the part of the villain, Iago, in a production here of Eli Siegel's magnificent lecture on Shakespeare's Othello. But I was having difficulty getting into the role of this evil man who is called "honest" many times in the play. Miss Reiss spoke to me about it in a class, asking: "Do you want to take every bit of evil in you and have people see how it maneuvers? What would you get out of showing it?"

Meryl was excited by this discussion. One night she invited me to dinner, and as we sat down she said she had written "A Soliloquy of How Bennett Cooperman is Like Iago"—11 specific points about how I saw things that had an Iago-esque state of mind. Each one was so on target about me, with style and humor, that I was astonished. I quote from three points:

Naivete—When I want to find something out I can be very naive, so naive and innocent, just like I was with my parents, hardly anybody suspects me—I'm so good at it. Then I'll use what I find out to my advantage.

I'll pause, and say this is just what Iago does in Act III when, so seemingly innocently, he plants the seed in Othello's mind that Desdemona was unfaithful to him with Cassio, which is a lie and leads to tragedy:

Iago.  Did Michael Cassio, when you wooed my lady, Know of your love?
Oth.  He did, from first to last. Why dost thou ask?
Iago.  But for a satisfaction of my thought; No further harm.
Oth.  Why of thy thought, Iago?
Iago.  I did not think he had been acquainted with her.
Oth.  O, yes, and went between us very oft.
Iago.  Indeed?
Oth.  Indeed? Ay, indeed! Discern'st thou aught in that? Is he not honest?
Iago.  Honest, my lord?

Near the end of the play, when Iago's wife, Emilia, tells the truth about his villainy, he tries to shut her up, saying: "What, are you mad? I charge you get you home." Meryl's next point was:

Criticism From Women—Who does she think she is criticizing me? I'm Bennett Cooperman and I don't take this from any woman...I'm the one that's in control here! I am the lecturer, the scolder. I like putting a woman in her place...

Changing the Subject—This is a very good way to get out of something that doesn't make me look good, and I do it so well. I can act very concerned about something and just slip right out of the hot spot. This is where my casual manner comes in very handy.

As Meryl read through the points, I never experienced anything like it. It was clear that she really wanted me to do well, and to have a good time knowing myself. I was tremendously affected, head to toe, and when she finished I jumped up and hugged her. Some weeks later, with everything I was learning, including very much from our director, actress and consultant Anne Fielding, I was able to get to a portrayal of Iago that I'm proud of.

I came to feel I could count on Meryl to be a real friend—not to schmooze me, but to be honest—and I wanted to do the same for her for the rest of our lives. We have been married for 12 years, and I love her more with every year. And I'm so happy we can learn more each day what real love is.

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