What's the Big Mistake Men Make about Power?

A Big Mistake about Power in Love, and at the Computer

Aesthetic Realism states unequivocally that love is good will, which Mr. Siegel defined as "the desire to have something else stronger and more beautiful for this desire makes oneself stronger and more beautiful." But, like many men, I mistakenly thought I would be powerful in love if I could get a woman to show me unconditional approval, dote on me, defer to me, and let me have my way—all of which are aspects of contempt, and there is nothing uglier in a man.

I am very grateful to Ellen Reiss for what she has taught me about this, and a big, beautiful result of my education is my happy marriage of 1 year and 9 months to Meryl Nietsch, who is studying to teach Aesthetic Realism. I respect so much the important seminar papers Miss Nietsch has given here, and the letters she has written which have been published in newspapers about what she has learned from Aesthetic Realism about eating disorders and how they can end permanently in a woman's life.

In a tremendously important class in which Ellen Reiss spoke about the crucial need for every person to have good will, I told of a quarrel my wife and I had had—about a situation that is probably becoming a classic: who knows more about the computer. As I was showing Meryl something technical about a document she was working on, she didn't seem to want to learn with the proper humility from what I saw as my superior abilities. I was still obviously riled and Miss Reiss asked, "How much time should she do in prison for this?"

Bennett Cooperman.  It was a stiff sentence. I got mad.

Ellen Reiss.  You're still a little mad. Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Browning never argued about the computer.

"Do you think," Miss Reiss asked, "you have used this computer to base your self esteem on in some fashion?" and I said, "Yes—I love it." Then, Miss Reiss asked these surprising questions which made me see the seriousness of what I was playing around with and which I think could make men kinder all over this country, heading to boot up their IBMs or Macs:

Ellen Reiss.  Do you think in some way you have a second marriage to this computer?....You can manage it better than your spouse? Do you think this computer knows how to love and be made love to?

Bennett Cooperman.  Wow! Yes, I do.

Ellen Reiss.  A computer is easier [to know] than a woman, isn't it?

Bennett Cooperman.  Yes, it is.

Ellen Reiss.  Do you feel that by now you should understand Meryl Nietsch and have her behave to suit you?

Bennett Cooperman.  Yes.

Ellen Reiss.  Do you think this is going on all over America? People have felt a computer is complex, but once you catch onto it, it's easier to have it bend to your will and do your bidding.

This was so true. I could spend hours during the day at the keyboard feeling "I can make this thing sing—I know its ins and outs and can zip around on it fast." But with Meryl I couldn't do that. I love what Miss Reiss asked next:

Ellen Reiss.  Are you more important managing Meryl Nietsch—or feeling she's more complex than any computer, she doesn't understand herself, but she has the whole world in her more richly than a computer does, and you will spend your life trying to understand her?

That really put into words the two kinds of power that were fighting in me—trying to manage my wife or trying to know her. I want to spend my life trying to understand Meryl, who is my friend and critic, whose perceptions of the world and of me, and whose liveliness and thoughtfulness I need to be all I can be. This is a power men have ached to be able to have, and Aesthetic Realism can make it a kind, happy reality in our lives.

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