Self-Esteem & Liking the World: What Is the Relation?
First presented in a public seminar at the Aesthetic Realism Foundation, New York City.

Aesthetic Realism taught me that every person's deepest desire is honestly to like the world different from ourselves. We were born to know and see meaning in people and the things we meet, and when we have this purpose we honestly respect ourselves. We come from the whole world and have its structure in us—"The world," Mr. Siegel explained, "is that eternal and ever so intimate thing that nestles in all our bones contentedly."

Therefore, if we don't do all we can to be fair to that world, to find good meaning in it—even when circumstances may be difficult—we cannot like ourselves.

Like many people, I thought I would like myself if I made a lot of money, had a big apartment and an impressive career. But I felt empty and I didn't know why. In The Right of Aesthetic Realism to Be Known Mr. Siegel explains:

Aesthetic Realism would grant the importance of money, health, position, family, fame or prestige—but it does say that the thing most needed by man to have a like of himself or respect for himself that is valid, is the feeling that the world is seen by him in a fair way, an accurate way, and one that goes towards, as much as possible, liking the world.

I am going to show, through the scientific principles of Aesthetic Realism, how this is so. I will also discuss two recent approaches to "self-esteem," a subject that has been so popular in America. The first is the best-seller How to Raise Your Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, author of many books on the subject, and the second is Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning's book, Self-Esteem.

These books are rooted in such bedrock falsity about the self that they are useless and even harmful. People, desperate to like themselves, will read them, but they encourage things that will have one respect oneself less. In The Right Of, Ellen Reiss says:

The two questions people most want answered are, Why don't I like myself? and, How can I like myself? What people are being told as they consult magazines and counselors is: You should like who you are period...This approach never works.

Contempt is false self-esteem: it is the feeling, As I look down on her and him and it and you, how wonderful I am! Then, because the self is constructed ethically, we inevitably...have a low opinion of ourselves, feel deeply ill-at-ease, because we made ourselves mighty by disparaging the world. People...may like the flattery of, Oh, you should esteem yourself more because you're such a worthwhile person!—but what they really want is authentic criticism of their contempt.

That is what I was looking for in 1976. I was 22, and though I loved and had studied acting and the performing arts, I felt with every year I liked myself less. I was selling condominiums and lived alone in the model apartment of a retirement complex in Sunrise, Florida. I was so unhappy that I often smoked pot before I went into work so I could face customers and put on a big smile. At night and on weekends I had a fierce drive to be alone, and then after a few days I would desperately call anybody I knew to make plans to go to a movie or dinner. I just didn't understand why I felt so bad.

I had heard about Aesthetic Realism, and one day I called the Foundation. That afternoon as I requested information, looking out the window at a bright, sunny Florida day, I told the young woman on the phone that I just had to learn to like myself first, and then I'd be at ease with people. I was so surprised when she explained that Aesthetic Realism shows a person has to like the way he sees what is not oneself first. She said that it's like the way a baby grows—it takes in the outside world in the form of food, which makes it grow and become strong. Our minds are like that.

That day began a happy revolution in me! Studying Aesthetic Realism I never felt lonely again, and several months later I wrote in a letter to Eli Siegel that I had a feeling that was completely new to me—I felt comfortable in my own skin. Through my education, I have honest respect for myself which grows with every year; I love Mr. Siegel for this, and feel privileged to study in the magnificent classes taught by Ellen Reiss.

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